Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize