Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize