The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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