Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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