How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
