I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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