So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
