My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Your penis caused this!
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
