I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
