i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
