I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
