Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I have feelings that need drinking.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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