turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
my shit smells like andre
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Randomize
