Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
