Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize