omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
