So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Still dying that you shit outside
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
