I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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