yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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