You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Randomize
