you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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