found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
