Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
