a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
