I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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