Sry I called you an 8
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
