i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize