My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
