if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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