His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
