He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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