he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
