I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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