he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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