He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
