my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
We left the knife in your bed.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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