never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
