I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
