You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
