i wish my penis had a tongue
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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