Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Randomize
