I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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