News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
