Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
where are you?
Hypothermia
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
