you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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