y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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