He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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