my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
