I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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