She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
