Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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