im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
