Just fell off a train. Bad.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
