Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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