I'm really into asian looking animals
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
