i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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