Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
