Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Everclear isn't food dammit
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
