ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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