Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
