Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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