Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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