woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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