omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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