i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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