We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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